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Every labrador retriever dreams about bananas. March 29, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is every labrador retriever dreams about bananas. The only fact here is that someone spent way too much money figuring this out. If this is true, that would be amazing, but who knows. I mean how are we to know what this dog is dreaming. Also I would like some more info, how often does it dream about bananas. I think Labrador retrievers come in many colors but I wonder if the yellow ones dream more about bananas because they are yellow.  Maybe the black ones dream about old rotten black bananas more? And the green Labrador retrievers dream about green not quite ripe yet bananas. I wonder if they eat bananas? I love bananas but I never dream about them. I am trying to think the last time I dreamt about a banana and all I could come up with is never. I do remember that one time I dreamed about kayak and 50 foot wave, but I don’t remember eating a banana at the time the seaweed wrapped around my paddle causing the 50 foot wave to devour me. I guess what I am trying to get at is what does this mean to us. I mean if a Labrador retriever is dreaming about bananas, should I? Is my brain missing something important that I need? Do you dream about Bananas? Are we missing something? Are Labrador retrievers the superior species on the planet? The tides are turning, in my not be in my life time or my kids or my grandkids, but it will happen unless we find some way to dream about a banana. We need to dig down deep and do this for all humanity, dream about a banana show those Labrador retrievers we are powerful too! Dreaming about bananas might mean nothing, but do you want to take that chance?

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Books are heavy. March 24, 2010

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What I learned tonight is books are heavy. I hope you all read books because that makes you smart. If you read a book you might not think they are that heavy, but you are wrong. They are very heavy. Now Indiana University is a very nice place or at least I am guessing it is. Well this very nice place built a very nice library. What goes in library you might ask? Books, of course go in the library. The problem is that the weight of the books is making the library sink! About 1 inch a year sinks because the smart people who built it forgot to add the weight of the books when they made the foundation. Now this seems hard to believe, but it is true. Or at least I guess it is true. Now if you are a visual learner, then here you go.

I hope that clears it up, I do not want you to think that it was something else, but in fact this is something we must take very serious. Did you see the blue line? Don’t look at the green circle but the blue line, I mean wow 2050 will not be fun. This might go down as the disaster of 2050, crazy blue line is now ground level, amazing. I do not wish to detour people from go to Indiana University, it is a fine institution and you should go. Just remember though that the door is sinking into the ground at the library, so watch your head you might just hit it. This is my main concern, the health and safety of our students. They are the future of this great nation and with big gashes in there head it is harder to learn. The library should be a safe place not a place of sink holes and gashed and bleeding heads.

I urge the people at Indiana University to find a good solution to this. Please, bad the tops of the doors, have ice packs and head bandages all around the library. Have a safety plan in place to deal with a sudden  daily .0027 inch drop(1 inch divided by 365 days a year is .0027 inches.) Remember that head injuries are serious and should be treated immediately by a trained health care professional.  Stay calm Indiana.

Texting “santa” doesn’t work. March 21, 2010

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What I learned tonight is texting “santa” doesn’t work. Pretty much you can text a lot of people places and things now days. You can text to get answers, but if you can’t get the answer you can text someone to tell you who to text to get the answer. As I was sitting around tonight it was suggested to text Santa. Well you know all those 5 digit texting codes I thought this was perfect. Perhaps this will be the best way to get the gift of my dreams this Christmas. So I typed in “santa” which is 72682, by the way. I asked a very important question to start the conversation “hello?” That may not seem like a question to you, but it is. After texting Santa I wait for a long time and no response. How could Santa not respond to me. This was a moment in time where my moral went from a 10 to a 1 in about 30 seconds. I can google stuff and order pizza, but I can’t get the gift of my dreams from Santa. There may be another way to text him, but I want a number I can remember. I firmly believe that if Santa wants to make it in his generation he will need to start texting, no doubt in my mind. What do you think?

There is always something worse. March 18, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is there is always something worse. When times are rough we would rather just complain and go to sleep or something along those lines. When you stub your toe you will tell the world while yelling and stuff, like it is the couches fault. It could be the couch I guess, I mean the coach did decided to sit right there of all places. You may not know this but couches move from time to time, mostly at night when you are asleep. A couch is kind of like a medieval army attacking in the cover of darkness. Similar but the couch does not attack it is just on the move. What is the worst job you can think of, probably your own, but how can everyone’s job be the worst? Your car probably is no good, but it is probably better than mine. Car’s don’t really move on there own unless you don’t put on that all important parking brake. Brakes are important because they stop your car. When life throws you lemons just throw them at the next guy or gal. And if they throw them right back just be reminded that things are always worse for someone else.

Take a look at this on your way out and be glad you’re a tooth brush.

A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time. March 15, 2010

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What I learned tonight is a ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time. It is more than just saying “be there in a jiffy” it is 1/100th of a second. To many of you jiffy might be peanut butter or some slang word use to describe how long it will take you to get somewhere or send something or calling someone back. Jiffy is commonly used for some time really short. No one is sure how short a jiffy is because it is different every time. Someone might say text so and so and tell them we are leaving soon and you might say “ok, in a jiffy”. So that probably means less than a minute. Now you might text and say “be there in a jiffy.” Now this might be 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 5 minutes, 32 minutes or more. That is where a jiffy gets confusing.

Let’s see what the dictionary has to say about jiffy, “blink of an eye: a very short time”. Ok wow, a blind of an eye is short then, how can you text some one in a jiffy or get to someone’s house in a jiffy. I can’t even get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ready in a jiffy. Which is odd because jiffy is a brand of peanut butter. I guess that goes back to the first of this it is 1/100th of a second. Think of a second and then think of a second as a line like this “________”. Now divide that line into 100 parts, that’s 1/100th of a second. That means it is really fast. Fast as a blink of an eye.

On second thought I think the peanut butter brand might be called “jif” not “jiffy”. It is probably not a good idea to say be there in a jiffy because there is no way you can get some where in 1/100th of a second. You could probably say be there in a jif though. I mean it seems like you are just shortening the word jiffy but really you are just say “peanut butter brand”. This is way more proper and will score you many life points. Life points are very important, maybe most important.

The human brain is 80% water. March 14, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is the human brain is 80% water. I know for some people it may seem like its 100% but no its 80%. Maybe this is important reason to drink lots of water. I wonder if your brain is like a big pool of water on the inside with knowledge just swimming around. In that case, 100% water is a good thing, more water, more swimming. The more swimming there is the more you know. Or maybe when something “slips your mind” it is more like the knowledge is just drowning. It is just so hard to tell, some knowledge must swim faster than some. If you are super interested in something and someone asks a question then it must swim like super fast to get to you mouth to come out as words. I am starting to think that I wish I had more than 80% water, what do you think?

Do not take a taxi in Portsmouth, England. March 11, 2010

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What I Learned tonight is do not take a taxi in Portsmouth, England. The daily telegraph had an add for getting a taxi cab licenses. Now there is what part of the ad said “application forms are available in other languages or in “audio,” “large print” or “Braille.”” So Audio is fine because maybe someone can’t read, lets just hope they can read the road signs, lets just hope the know the difference between merge left and merge right or merge left or rest area. Large print now is odd, some people can’t see to well and need large print to read. This would be fine if these people were going to be lunch room workers or well drillers. The fact is I want my taxi cab drivers to have good vision. The last one is out of the world crazy. Can we please not have a Braille application for a taxi cab driver? The facts are out people who read using Braille should not be driving. This is dangerous and unacceptable. The point is you have to have some things to be able to do some things. You have to have a car to be in a car race. You have to have water to live. You have to have snow to build a snowman. You have to have a heart to pump blood. You have to have eye sight to drive a car. I always say life is simple. If you can see, then you can try to be a taxi cab driver. This is nothing against you if you can’t see but wow it is so important as a taxi cab driver. If a taxi cab driver was blind how would they know where to pull over to let the person out. How would they know how much they just got paid? How would they see someone on the side of the street with there hand up? I don’t want to be a downer I am just trying to keep people safe. Portsmouth people, please re think this plan to have Braille applications. You may regret this one day.

You can inflate pig intestines. March 10, 2010

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What I learned tonight is you can inflate pig intestines. This is very important for those of you out there that have been wondering if you could inflate pig intestines. I have never wondered this, but I won’t judge. Now what is stopping you? Get up and go find you some pig intestine and blow it up like a balloon. Please try and make an animal or some other object out of a balloon, then send me a picture and it WILL appear on the blog. Now first let’s see the proper technique for this.

That is a women from the Ukrainian village of Gecha, they have a pig festival every first of February or so. I am sure it is really fun. They use this inflated pig intestine to make blood pudding. What also could be fun is trying to inflate other objects you find laying around. One example is a pop can, try hard but don’t get a head ache. I am sure you can blow up a cows bladder, but I don’t see why you would want to. You could try to inflate a straw by taping one end close and blowing. You could also blow up your neighbors car by sticking a match in the gas tank, this is such a bad idea however because it may raise some suspicion around town.

I wish I would have known this a long time ago, all these years I have wasted those pig intestines. They could have come in handy by making my own life jacket out of them. Inflate 4 or 5 pig intestines and wrap them together and you will float for days! I also could of filled 4 or 5 of them with helium and floated to the clouds. Or just breathed the helium and talked funny for a little bit. Most of all it would have been great to make a balloon giraffe for the kids. It would way more realistic. Take a look at this.

Now I have never been to Africa, but I really doubt giraffes are that color and if they are National geographic needs to fix there cameras. Now picture that made out of a nice natural colored pig intestine and wow the kids would be entertained for hours. This is a perfect gift for that baby sitter in your family. Keep thinking out of the box, way out.

How to prepare a lamb. March 6, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is how to prepare a lamb. The question is preparing it to do what? The question ran though my head a couple times and then this website solved all my problems.

http://melissainromania.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/video-silvia-preparing-the-lamb/ (warning this has a graphic video, but not to graphic)

You understand now, right? It is being prepared to go though an amazing 3 step process. It is just like anything, it all comes down to steps. When you’re a baby your first step to taking a first step is to step your foot forward. The first step to preparing a lamb is to put it on the counter. Now make sure the wool is off, set it aside for a blanket or coat or socks or something. The first step is always most important in anything and can’t be skipped. As you notice from the video it helps to speak a language besides English, no one knows exactly why this helps but it does. The narrator seems lost and confused but this is ok because the cooks seems really good at there craft.

The second step is a bit confusing, I then you hack some meat off the lamb with great precision and put it in water and then it really hot water. It is anyone’s guess why it goes in really hot water, but the English speaking narrator elected not to tell us, for good reason I am assuming. It is probably due to the fact there is blood flowing off the counter onto the floor and she is trying to stop this. You can see this in one of those pictures, but perhaps that is just part of an intestine. These are great lessons, so visual and you can let your mind wander and say “what is that?”

Third step is dig inside a bowl of organs. This is a simple step but important because you might be eating those later so you want to put them in water and then in really hot water. At this point the narrator all most seems scared, but this may or may not be true. The point is there are organs to be put in water and she can’t lose her cool now. Life is all about how you can do under pressure, when that fool swerves into your lane how do you react? What about when a tree is about to fall on you, are you quick like a rabbit? It is important to gain these skills to make it in this busy world.

Remember, wither it is driving, or walking in the woods or cutting up a lamb remember the 3 steps.

  1. Put on counter
  2. Put in water and then really hot water
  3. Dig though a bowl of organs.

Eat up everyone!

It all seriousness. Melissa is a good friend and is a missionary in Romania so please feel free to donate some money her way I know for a fact it goes to some amazing kids. Please look though her blog and send her some money, I know she will appreciate it.

You can trim your foot. March 4, 2010

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What I learned tonight is you can trim your foot. This sounds really bad, but I am sure foot shorting surgery can be done but in a hospital by a doctor. I have done zero research on that, but I have done some research on some nice little shops that can do some foot trimming. I don’t advertise for people but here is a sign (watch out it might have sharp edges).

Please don’t email me and ask what oil massages and cutting off part of your foot have in common, because I have no clue. All I know is these fine people have a wide array of “medical” treatments. It probably comes down to the fact that the only way you can get though a foot trim is to get a massage before, after and during. Due to this fact this place is a rip off, because they charge you for all these messages. You are going to pay 28 bucks to get your foot trimmed that seems like a good deal but not when you add on the extras. Look at that, 98 bucks for a Europeans oil message I mean come one, next thing you know you’re paying over 200 for a simple foot trim, and let me guess they want a tip. What do they say “well I just hacked off some of your foot, that will 230 bucks, oh yeah and don’t forget to tip our fine masseuse, I mean medical professional. The word medical professional bugs me, because if they are doing anything medical they better be professional. From now on just call them medical. If they would say “don’t forget to tip our medical” you know I would be tipping. Well I probably would be tipping over because my foot just got trimmed.

I really have no idea why anyone would get there foot trimmed, but I won’t judge. I just hope It is for the right reason and that you don’t get “sucked” into all the “fine print”. In this case it is the same size print on the same board, but still the fact remains it is more than a foot trim. A Euro message here, Tai Body massage there and you are reaching for the big bills. Please do not get scammed by the foot trimmers and remember you might be tipping over with a shorter foot, wear a helmet.