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Blueberries make your fingers purple. February 28, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is blueberries make your fingers purple. This may seem like a basic concept, but it is not. An apple won’t turn your fingers red nor will an orange turn them orange. When is the last time you ate some celery, were your hands green after that, I think not. This is a good lesson, you can’t judge a food by its cover. Cover meaning the outer part, such as the skin of the blueberry. Although the “cover” of an orange might be the peal, for this lesson it is not, it’s just the out side of the fleshy part of the orange. Why is this a good lesson? It is a good lesson because you might see something you want to eat and be like well I can’t eat that I don’t want my fingers to change colors. You might be missing out on some good food like shrimp, toast and grapes. These three things will not turn your figures colors like a blueberry would. Maybe I am missing the point here, maybe the point is that blueberries are actually purpleberries. I mean why not? I don’t think it is right to judge a food on the outside but can we at least name it right? Why trick me into thinking they are blue? I mean if I see purple all over me I might panic because where did that come from? I mean I just ate some blueberries but this is purple. Blue is a little manlier though, depends on the blue. Baby blue is kind of for babies. See right there, BABY blue is for babies. A red wood tree is red and a light bulb produces light. Life is simple until we think about blueberries. Email congress and any botanist you can find before this dilemma gets out of hand. Before you do that fuel up with some amazingly delicious blueberries purpleberries.

You don’t have to listen to your friends. February 26, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is you don’t have to listen to your friends. This may seem backwards to most of you because if you can’t trust your friends who can you trust? A good friend can get you though a bad day. If you fall into a giant pot hole in the sidewalk your friend will help you out. If you are driving the wrong way on a one way street your friend will let you know. If your hair is on fire your friend will put it out (this happened to me once, but the same friend started it on fire so not sure if that counts). Now I tell you this just to say sometimes friends are wrong and maybe listening to there every word can get us in trouble or even wet, check this out.

Don’t you just love that quote “hang on to him now”, yeah what a great idea. Some times in life we need to just tie the pole to the boat or just let go. Hanging on to that fish got that guy in some trouble. If you are not strong enough, do not hang on. That video just proves my point, he listened to his friend and hung on. Now he is flipping over the side of the boat into the mighty ocean and the whole time I bet he is thinking “what a bad idea.” It is safe to say they did not land the fish into the boat, what a loser of the day. I guess that man can feel proud, he trusted his friend even to the point of no return. We can learn a lot from him, mainly just to learn from his mistakes.

Let him go man, let him go.

Macaroni and cheese is a crayon color. February 25, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is macaroni and cheese is a crayon color. Not only is macaroni and cheese an amazing Italian dish it is also a color crayon put out by world famous Crayola. Has this been common knowledge? Maybe, but not to me. To me this is amazing I have always wanted a world famous Italian Dish to be put in a world famous crayon makers box. I really compare this to a movie star, they need to marry another movie star, the only way it will work. This macaroni and cheese color would not work in some off brand box, it would flop big time. World famous meet world famous. Now the color of this crayon is interesting. Shall I explain? Think of a bowl of macaroni and cheese steaming hot and good. Now don’t think about it, because the color is nothing like that. Well, the color is orange, but the crayon is so bright. Think Fanta soda. It just hit me, why not call it Orange Fanta. Why did they call it macaroni and cheese anyway, I bet Italy gave them millions. Also think bright pumpkin or bright orange (the fruit). Really you just have to think bright, think about an orange anything and then think bright. Or you could just think Fanta, the orange kind. Have I lost you yet, because I am lost. Here just look at this.

Bright, huh? Those Italians are always spending big money to get there name on stuff. First they got a hold of sausage people and got them to call it Italian sausage.  You would think it would end there, but not until Rome got a hold of Crayola and said this “so we have this famous dish called macaroni and cheese if you name a crayon after it we will give you some Euros.” Now I guess money talks, but they should of really called it Orange Fanta. Please compare the colors here, which one do you think is close, the famous Italian dish or famous German soda.

Easy, huh? I mean there is no way you can tell me it don’t look like orange fanta. I am glad you agree with me. I was glad tonight to learn about this amazing color of crayon just disappointed with Crayola for not naming it the right name. You should comment with your vote, so I can send this onto Crayola, they need to hear it from the people. Also please try to color in the lines, it looks better.

Inland taipan snakes have enough venom to kill a quarter million mice. February 24, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.

What I learned tonight is an inland taipan snake has enough venom to kill a quarter million mice. Now that is a lot of mice. The best part is this snake has a nickname and it is “The Fierce Snake”, I’d say. Just think if you had enough venom to kill quarter million rodents, you would call your self fierce. At least that is what I would call you. Now this snake lives in Australia, but have no fear the outback is still kind of safe because this snake is shy. Well, you know what they say “when the snake is shy you are safe.” But that is easy to say until venom that can kill thousands of rodents is shot into your leg, so much for the shy snake. Venom is a weird thing, because it kills you. You know there is that stuff out there that just kills people and venom is that thing for most people, maybe all people. If we ever find someone immune to venom, the inland taipan is not going to be so powerful anymore.

Have you noticed when people talk about animals on TV they always go over there “range”. What that means is where it hangs out. We all have a range, please email me your range. The best way I have found to tell an animals range is go by the name. Here are some examples

  1. Polar Bear: This thing must live in Polar Regions and be white because snow is white and snow is in the Polar Regions.
  2. African Wild Dog: This one is easy, Africa. If it swam across the meditation sea to Spain then it would it be a European wild dog?
  3. Amazon Leaf Fish: This fish swim in the water. The Amazon River to be exact. This is a very large river.
  4. Baja Speckled Rattle Snake: This is also a venomous snake but this one has a different range, because it is on the Baja peninsula in Mexico. Also it has nothing on the inland taipan, it could probably only kill like 50 mice, weak.
  5. Desert horned viper: Sounds scary, because it is. This range is different, because it is not one place, but many places, like deserts. I mean an animal expect would probably cringe at that explanation, so I am sorry.
  6. Inca Tern: This is located where the mighty Inca’s lived. This is a real animal by the way, just don’t ask me to describe it because I can’t.

As you can see this is very simple, you can do this with less than 1% of animals but still very useful. Now the fierce snake is not located in fierce as you might first thing. Fierce is not really a place but more of a descriptive word for mean and going to put venom in your leg. But the name INLAND taipan means it lives in the Inland parts. See how simple that was. Check out this map.

The snake thrives in the red areas

See inland Australia. Considering that this snake roams those areas will probably hurt tourism in that area and for that I am sorry, I just report the facts. Now remember if some one gets you mad don’t become fierce on them or shoot venom into there leg. Also, remember that shy people are safe, so don’t hurt me inland Australia!

A whip “cracks” because it’s faster than the speed of sound. February 23, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is a whip “cracks” because it’s faster than the speed of sound. I found this super hard to believe so I googled it and 1,000 websites or more said it was true, so it must be true. My first thought was “if tip of the whip makes a crack sound because it goes faster than the speed of sound, so this should mean if someone is whipped it should go right though them.”  What is the speed of sound you might ask, well after I googled it, I found that it depends on the weather. What that tells me a lot, it tells me the speed of sound is like clothing, depending on the weather you might wear more or less cloths. Depending on the weather you may use more or less speed of sound. Get it? If you are lost, do not worry. So at 68 degrees Fahrenheit the speed of sound is a massive 768 mile per hour. Wow that is fast, but can you whip a whip that fast? Pretty much we can sum it up by saying,

I like to make things simple so I like to use simple formulas we can all understand. Life would be simpler if everything was a formula, don’t you think? Ok, back to whips, I have never been whipped but to think of getting smacked with a thing going 768 MPH sounds awful and painful and it might hurt. So what all goes the speed of sound? A jet does, would you like to get hit by one of those? Really that is all I can think of, I doubt a bird can? I know I can’t and you probably can’t. I bet a bullet is moving that fast. I hate to limit things but all I can think of is whips and Jets and bullets.

We could say that bullets and jets and whips can be represented with this:

So C = whips and jets and bullets.  From now on we can just say c when we talk about those three things.

“Don’t C me!”

“Oh, I am going to go out and change the spark plugs in my C”

“How many C’s does your gun hold?”

Mark it down, life got easier today! Just don’t get confused, guns don’t hold jets and whips don’t have spark plugs. If you can get past that initial confusion stage you are good to go. It should pass rather quickly, if after 3 to 6 years you are still confused talk to me and I will give you some helpful hints.

I feel bad for anyone that gets whip by anything that’s moving faster than square root of c over p, ouch that’s got to be painful.

Brides carry flowers so they don’t stink. February 19, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.

What I learned tonight is brides carry flowers so they don’t stink. Traditions are weird but we all have them, one such tradition is the bride carrying flowers. Now back in England or something, it was a long time ago in the 1500’s people stunk. Something about never bathing but once a year must have something to do with that. So anyway I am reading this article about weddings, I have been to a couple weddings in my life, I am happy to say I have never fallen asleep or fell out of my chair. Both of those problems occur often I think, but not for me I power though. So in the 1500’s bath month was May, wow who has a bath month? I guess people in the 1500’s did, I was born in April and I find this insulting to my birth month, I bet it was known as the “stink month.” So after bath month is June, wedding Month, who has a wedding month? I guess people in the 1500’s did. So lets say you take a bath on May 5th, wow what a day but by June 13th the big day, the most important day of your life, well sorry bride you stink. They were smart though, they might smell like a rotten gold fish in old milk but they were still smart. They would go out and get flowers put them in a big bunch and have the bride carry them. This is such a smart plan because now you smell like a glass of old milk with a rotten gold fish with a bouquet of flowers in the cup. I can’t get over how great this plan is, wow amazing.

Today the bride in most occasions has flowers. Little did we know it’s so they smell good. The interesting fact is, the bride has these flowers then what does she do with them at the end? She throws them to someone else, I think the person who catches it gets to bathe first come May, or something like that. Why does the bride throw them, well it’s a symbol, it means I need to smell good until I trap this guy then I can stink. Some may call it evil, but no it is just clever. As they say in that awesome movie Jurassic Park “Clever girl.”

Police need good gun holsters. February 17, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.

What I learned tonight is police need good gun holsters. I watched a cool video tonight and here it is.

If you did not view this, it is really funny. It shows some Romanian police officers running in the town square doing something and then one falls down. Now that is funny and had me laughing, then it went to top tier funny when another officer all of a sudden stops turns around and grabs his gun that had fallen out. His gun feel out to the ground and this camera man had picked it up and handed it to him. How this happens, I have no clue. If I was a police officer I would make sure that my gun was always ready to go and a gun lying on the ground is not ready to go. It is probably lost of missing or in the hands of someone that should not have it. Being ready to go means, on my hip.

Each profession has something they need to have. A painter can’t let his or her brush just fall to the ground as you are running. I am not sure why the painter was running but I am sure he has a good reason. The doctor always has those heart beat hearing things around his or her neck. This is important because the beating heart is an important part of life, got to hear that. Picture a doctor in an ER running and his or her tool falling to the ground, bad news. A poster worker can drop the mail bag. If the mail bag is full, then mail is all over the place. If it is empty where is the postal worker going to put the mail, in his or her pockets? What if a camera person drop the camera and ran off with out it, so much for you tube.

What I am trying to say is you have to protect your identity. Do not let it fall to the ground. I respect all police officers and think they have a great job. But this particular police man needs a new gun holster. I wonder if they have paint brush holsters? I don’t really know, do you? The day is mine.

Ants can’t swim in ranch February 16, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.

What I learned tonight is ants can’t swim in ranch. We all know what ranch is right, that white stuff we put on salad and dip stuff it and it tastes nothing like a ranch. I noticed tonight a huge jar of ranch dressing with the lid off sitting on the table, this was weird ranch because it had black dots everywhere. Upon a further review I saw the black dots were ants, they could not swim in this ranch. Ants can swim however, just check out this sweet video.

*chances are there is one ant harmed in the filming of this video*

Wow, that is amazing, right? Did you see the wake that ant was leaving behind him, so fast. One regret in life is I was not there to capture in my mind the movement of the graceful ant in the ranch. Why could it not swim? Many factors come to mind when thinking about this very issue, let’s go over them now.

  1. This was thick ranch, it was high quality none of that thin watery stuff you get at truck stops and organic food store. I wonder though what the right mixture of ranch to water is, 2:1 perhaps? Think ranch = poor swimming conditions. If you every watch a swim meet the people in the middle lanes win most often because the outside lanes are what we experts call “sticky water.” It is called sticky water because there is a high ranch content on the edges of pools then anywhere else.
  2. They ate too much. Who has not dreamt of swimming in there favorite food. Maybe the ant just ate too much ranch and could not even move. You know what they always say “when you stop moving in ranch, you’re dead.”
  3. There was a war, I am sure ants are war like creatures, similar to orcs and goblins. They may have been fighting and the casualties landed into his or her internal grave, the ranch bucket. It is interesting to think, but maybe it is not really its internal grave because I moved the ranch bucket (internal grave) into the garbage can, that went into the dumpster, that will go into a land fill. I guess what I am trying to say is the ants internal grave is really the dump.  This also reminded me of the story I heard once or twice about the people building those huge hydro eclectic dams and fall into the wet cement and it would be impossible to get them out so there they sit, in the dam. This may or may not be true, but God bless green energy.

Well we learned a lot tonight, did we not? Go from here an educated person and always, “keep on swimming, keep on swimming”

Doctors are famous. February 15, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is doctors are famous. While talking to a doctor tonight he stated to me that he was famous. Hospitals are weird places and so I thought I was hearing things so I said what? And he said yeah I am famous. I never thought of that before but I guess yeah they are famous, they save lives. Well time passed on and I saw him couple minutes later and I ask “hey why are you famous?” I did not know what he was going to say, I thought maybe he saved a man who got shot or save a kids arm by sewing it back on, or lots of stuff raced thought my head. Most people are famous for doing famous type stuff. I am not famous because I don’t jump over 329 cars on my motorcycle or eat 145 hotdogs in 35 seconds or save a life or fly to mars or sleep for 14 days or buried my self alive and popped out of the ground 2 days later. I mean being famous is doing famous stuff. Also movie stars are famous, by the way, so are sports stars. I think they might be famous just because they are rich. Oh yeah rich people are famous to. Back to the doctor, he was super cool and told me why he was famous he says “well, I just autographed 14 pieces of paper just to give a guy Advil, I do that 50 times a day, you do the math. Do you think Griffey signs that many autographs in one day?” Here I am waiting for an amazing story one I can pass on to my grand kids, “yeah I met the doctor who saved 12 lives in 10 minutes” and what I got was the most profound information a man can get at in a lifetime. I am a better man right now because of this doctor, not only did I get to shake his hand, I understood what famous is all about. It is about signing stuff. For days and weeks and years I will remember tonight, the night I learned how to become famous, I will strive for this goal and I won’t give up trying. By the way you can’t just sign stuff, it has to have some meaning. That is my own observation. Don’t let the candle burn out everyone, and do not jump over 329 cars, that is way to many!

You need a hunting license to kill a mouse. February 13, 2010

Posted by tyjorg in What I Learned Tonight.
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What I learned tonight is in Cleveland you need a hunting license to kill a mouse. I have no idea if this is true and I really hope it is a fake, but again I read it online so it has to be true right? Now this has to be the dumbest thing I have learned in a while, why in the world would someone need a hunting license to kill a grey (sometimes white?) disease filled rodent? But I guess if you change a mouse to brown and make it bigger with a weird tail and you have a beaver and you need a license for that. But that is not the point, the point is if there is something with rabies in my house I am not going to run to the store grab a killing license and then kill the thing, that seems like a terrible plan. It is probably just a way to make money, some Politian is like we need a way to make money. Him and his team talk for hours and decided to charge money to kill mice. We might as well require you to get a license to kill a fly while you’re at it. Maybe a package deal, a mouse and fly license. This whole thing sounds a bit crazy but I really think it is true. I just hope there is no one serving time for killing a mouse with out a license, I would feel bad for that person. Keep on killing those mice they will give you a disease but please check out your local laws and restrictions, lesson learned. Also, Cleveland rocks, right?